Monday, November 7, 2011

The Zeppa Family Feud Form

The Official Fuck You / Fuck You Too Zeppa Family Feud Form®

In an effort to save time, clarify family history, and ensure proper storage of records for future generations, you are asked to complete the following form and deliver it to the relevant family member.1  

Please print legibly in black ink or blood.

To ensure accuracy of records, please indicate whether this situation qualifies as:
o  An initiating Fuck You
o  A respondent Fuck You Too

1.       I,    ________________________, do hereby declare that I am :

o  Mildly annoyed
o  Moderately mad
o  Highly pissed off
o  Too drunk to remember

at : ___________________________________
            (write primary Fuckee’s name here)

and: __________________________________
        (list all secondary Fuckees. Attach additional paper if necessary.)

2.      My annoyance / state of high piss-off arose from the following (select all that apply):

o  Promises were not kept
o  Dishes were not washed
o  Worst parent / child ever!
o  Shenanigans surrounding family will / disinheritance
o  Low blood sugar / hangover
o  You lied to me / owe me money / didn’t call
o  I have my reasons
o  Other: _________________________________

3.      This feud officially began:

o  Just now
o  Within the last week
o  Within the last year
o  Monday, May 21, 1978, at 5:35 p.m.
o  You know damn well when it began

4.      I plan not to speak to you for the following period of time:

o  One to two weeks
o  One to two years
o  More than two years but less than ten
o  Until hell freezes over

5.      In light of the aforementioned, you are hereby advised to come and pick up your:

o  Worldly belongings
o  Children
o  Box of unidentified crap in the basement
o  Parole Board of Canada Official Notice of Pardon
o  Other: _________________________________________

6.      Failure to pick up the above-mentioned items will result / has already resulted in a:

o  Garage sale
o  Bonfire

7.      The following action, while in no way lessening your grievous offence or making things right between us, might result in a revocation of this form:

o  An apology
o  Money (Amount: ___________ Preferred Currency: _______________)
o  You admit that you are totally and utterly in the wrong and/or an asshole
o  Fuck you. Nothing would result in a revocation of this form.

8.      In the unlikely event that I find myself no longer pissed off at you, I reserve the right to transfer this feud to the following beneficiary2:


Thank you for filling out this form. One copy will be retained for our files3. In the unlikely event that your feud ends early, please contact management so that we may update our records.  

1 Use of this form is free for Zeppa family members only. For usage with non-Zeppa recipients, service fees will apply.

2 Please note that if you selected “until hell freezes over” for question 4 and intend to transfer this feud to a beneficiary who is a direct descendant of the original Fuckee, you must complete a separate Fuck You and Your Progeny Form.

All submissions will be held in strict confidentiality by one James Raymond Patrick (Blab) Zeppa. Submissions can be (and have been) used against you in a court of law.

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